My Meditation Disaster

So after a lot of introspection, (and criticism) I come to the conclusion that I'm:

• short-tempered
• intolerant
• unkind
• impatient
• judgemental

I decide that I really have to do something about this, and since I'm going to start working soon figure this is the ideal time. So I sign up for a this ten day meditation course where you have to spend 10 days in absolute silence (noble silence is what they call it) and hopefully after LOTS of meditation, you'll reach enlightenment. Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I'm determined that this will be the character altering period of my life.

So against my father's wishes (who thinks it's some sort of cult thing where everyone sleeps with everyone (it isn't. Men and women are completely segregated and absolutely no physical contact is allowed between members of the same or opposite sex)) It's in this arbit place in the outskirts of Bangalore and I have to take two buses and an auto but I get there all right. I don't take my phone with me, because you're not supposed to communicate at all. (Also no books, music or writing material. Nothing except clothes. And soap. They insist on daily baths.)

So I land up there and the schedule is crazy. They bang on this gong at four in the morning and you have to wake up and brush and stuff and get to the meditation hall by four thirty. The meditation goes on till nine thirty at night with breaks for breakfast, lunch and tea. (No dinner.) I'm sure the meditation would have been really calming, soothing, mind altering etc. but the problem was that with the whole waking up at four thirty, I was terribly sleepy throughout the day. I kept nodding off during the meditation and there was this woman who'd come yank on my cushion (we meditate sitting cross legged on cushions) to wake me up whenever I fell asleep.. Which was quite embarrassing.

Also very embarrassing was the fact that I have a notoriously restless tummy. It rumbles more or less through out the day. But it's the tame sort of rumbling that's drowned out by most general noise; the whirr of a fan, the clacking of a keyboard, the distant hum of traffic. The problem is that in a meditation hall, there is absolute silence. My tummy was alarmingly loud. And I realised that my tummy has a far larger repertoire of sounds than I had thought. It doesn't just go rumble rumble rumble. It goes burrrrrrr pooINK shorru shorru shorru whorrrrrrr plink plonk... etc etc. It's like there's a little orchestra in there (though not a very talented one). And the whole bunch of meditators were captive audience to my tummy's performance.

So by afternoon on the third day, after spending four hours trying to meditate in enervating heat, I am thoroughly irritated by the whole place. I have also realised that holding your tummy in does not affect its sound producing ability. Nor does any stomach contortion you can try. I so badly want to leave the place but the website said very clearly that you were not allowed to leave before your ten days were up. (A concept much like prison.) So I hatch three plans.

Plan A: Go to the Guruji and burst into tears and say I couldn't take this anymore. Basically beg and plead to be released.
Plan B: Pack my bags and tell them firmly that I was leaving and they could not keep me there against my will.
Plan C: Wait till everyone was meditating in the hall, then sneak out, grab my bags and run!

While I was in the process of evaluating the logistics of Plan C (taking a casual stroll past the gate to see if it was unlocked or whether I would have to climb over it) I heard a commotion in the office. (Remember, there's complete silence, so a normal conversation sounds like a commotion.) One of the older women was demanding to be let out stating that she had health problems and she didn't feel comfortable staying this far from a doctor. And after spending a while trying to talk her out of it, they reluctantly agreed to let her go. Somehow, once I realised that I could actually leave whenever I wanted to (after the requisite amount of fuss, of course) I suddenly didn't want to leave that badly any more.

So why then, did I leave on the morning of the fourth day? I gave different people different reasons.

Eido-> I missed you too much..
Mum-> They weren't feeding me enough. I was starving!
Dad->The Guruji made a pass at me..

(FYI: the first two are true, the third isn't)

But here is the complete unvarnished truth. During a meditation session the cushion tugging woman gestured to me to come out of the hall. Once we were outside she told me to put a dupatta over what I was wearing. (baggy cotton pants and a loose kurta) I told her I didn't have one. All I'd brought were kurtas and salwars. (the site said that loose cotton clothing was most comfortable for meditation and also said that nothing sleeveless, short or tight should be worn. Rules I'd adhered to perfectly). But she insisted that I wear a dupatta and that since I didn't have one, to write out a purchase order so that she could send someone to buy one for me. I was incensed! Perhaps if she had told me this on the first day, I would have just thought it was that kind of a place and acquiesced. But the fact that she brought it up on the fourth day really riled me. When I tried to ask her for an explanation, she told me that the Guruji had told her to tell me and then just shushed me and pointed to one of the many signs all over the place declaring Noble Silence.

So I went to my cramped cubicle and as I was taking out my bright pink shawl which was the only thing I could use a a dupatta, I suddenly thought of the two foreigners there, both in tight t shirts, one in knee length fitted capris and the other in semi transparent cotton pants. And the fact that they seemed to have one dress code for the Indians and another for the firangs seemed to clash with the discourses we heard every evening about how this course was universal and non sectarian. And that pissed me off so much that I packed my bags and marched out of the place. Tugger lady wasn't around, so I went to the office but there was no one there either so I just left my id card on the desk and left. (the gate wasn't locked. :) ) Also I decided, that if my boobs were distracting the Guruji, I would just take my boobs somewhere else.

Incidentally, we all sat in rows in front of the Guruji so all people in front of me couldn't see me and those behind me could only see my back. And in any case everyone was meditating with their eyes closed. (Or so I thought).

So I left.

But now that all my righteous anger has evaporated, I feel small and stupid. Because I let my temper, the one thing I went there to cure, get the better of me.